tid bits

i found an old note book that had pages full of what i called tid bits. most of them are old some of them are new and most of them are fiction.


today i laid in the grass and stared at the sky for hours. the clouds shifted, the sun set, and the earth rotated, but i am exactly the same.

i drove around listening to music hoping someone would call, no one did, so i just kept driving.

there's something about you, there always was. i never thought i would get this chance. i'm constantly scared i'll screw it up.

you dropped your bag and everything spilled out onto the street. i helped you pick everything up, you looked up at me, eyes full of tears and said thank you, i smiled at you and said your welcome. i think about you every once in a while and still wonder what made you so sad that day. i don't even know your name.

i just want to know what it feels like to have your lips pressed against mine.

i saw an elderly woman at the store today struggling to put her groceries in her cart, her shaky weathered hands took what seemed like forever to get money out of her wallet. she didn't say a word and when i offered to help her she shook her head no. she gave off a feeling of acceptance to her loneliness. i felt so bad for her and when i got to my car a wave of fear came over me that a future like that could be mine.

you make me want to be a better person, that is so rare.

you laid in my bed and stared into my eyes. you held my hand and for only a moment you pressed your lips onto mine. you told me there was no one in this world that made you happier. you said, "i think you could be my soul mate." then without as much as a blink or a breath you said, "if only you were more attractive." as much as i understand it and appreciate the honesty part of my heart will never recover from that night.

you loved me more then anyone i've ever been with, you saw me for who i really am, you appreciated my heart, and forgave my flaws as if they were just quirks. you wanted no one but me, why couldn't i just love you back?

there's nothing like the smell of the pages of a really really old book.

every night i go to sleep with a slight fear that nothing will ever change.

beware of those who don't like animals

let it ride...

walking through the doors you are engulfed with frigid air, all of your senses are instantly stimulated. your eyes darting back and forth from all the bright flashing lights and the hoards of people walking in every direction. simultaneously your ears ring with multiple arrangements of beeps, bells, whistles, music, and yelling. your nose is filled with the smell of fake recirculated oxygen, perfumed air freshener, and clouds of smoke. your blood pressure immediately rises.
One of the greatest things about a casino is the people watching. people of all ages, ethnicities, backgrounds, and personalitites. there are pros and there are amateurs and believe me you can tell the difference. if your a professional the real question to ask is what kind? are you old vegas or new vegas? personally i love the old vegas pros. older women who take everything over the top. big hair, over tanned, lots of jewelry, bright long nails, and a 4 pack a day habit that gives them an older slightly raspy voice. they know the casino like the back of their hands and i found one of the best. "i wonder where the .25 cent wheel of fortune machines are?" she heard me and replied with, "honey, go straight and then take a right at the top dollar machines then walk all the way to the back past the wizard of oz machines. you'll see some there but they're not big payers so take another right and you'll see some on the left!"
left in amazment all i could do was smile and say thanks! her name was dottie but her friends called her dot. now that's old vegas. new vegas pros are high rollers that like to show off and have the biggest suite in the hotel. all the clubs have their names on a list and lines don't exist for them. they're usually cocky and aren't very friendly to anyone without a wad of cash or a skin tight dress on.....i think i'll go sit with dottie! dottie was a mother of five, a grandmother to 9, and a widow to two. she's been coming to vegas every year for the past 23 years, but last year she came three times. "honey, when you're as old as me you realize your priorities in life, mine is the thrill of the casino! it keeps me young and gives me something to blow my money on instead of my no good kids and ungrateful grandchildren." Dottie starts to go into detail about her shitty daughters and how all they want is her jewelry and her bastard sons who want to put her in a home and take her money. at this point i am consumed and can't even be distracted with gambling. dottie orders us some drinks from the waitress and giggles as she walks away. I ask, "what's so funny?" she giggles louder, leans in, and says, "honey, when i was 30 i had better tits then that girl and i didn't have to pay for em!" i couldn't help but laugh. i quickly learned that dottie says what everyone else is thinking and can get away with it by acting like she has early onset dementia. i already love her and wish she could be my grandma dot. Dottie passes me a cigarette, i put my hand up saying thank you but i'm trying to quit. dottie laughs and replies with, "honey, we're all trying to quit something and life is too short to bother." because i just don't have the heart to say no to dottie i take it and she lights it for me with her bedazzled gold lighter. this whole time dottie hasn't missed a bet, her hands dance between the buttons of the machine, to ashing her cigarette, to taking a sip of her drink, to talking shit about people as they walk by without missing a beat. she asks me about my life. she wants to know what my parents are like, if i've ever been in love, what i want to do with my life, and what was the best sex i've ever had. nothing about dottie makes me hesitant so i have no problem telling her all about anything she wants to know. she wants to know if i have a man in my life and if the answer is no why the hell not. i tell her about my parents and that i lost my dad in february. i tell her about my older sister and how i rarely get to be the younger sibling. i give her the cliff notes on my hopes and what i'm afraid of. i tell her i've had some great sex but i hope the best is still to come. she roars with laughter saying that's the best answer she's ever heard and i've earned the honor of calling her dot. she listens patiently and as soon as i finish she glares and asks, "so, what about the man? get to the juicy stuff honey, i'm too old to have to wait for the good stuff!" i put out the second cigarette she's pushed on me, take a sip of my drink, and a deep breath." i hate to dissapoint you dot but there's nothing too juicy to tell at the moment, i've been spending time with someone but it's too early for details. "non sense sweetie, it's never too early for details!" since i can see she's not giving up i give her all the details, more details then i've given anyone else in fact. "annie" which was the first time she said my actual name. "i'm going to tell you something and you listen good. i've been around a long time and i can tell you are an old soul with a heart of gold. you've been through a lot and you'll go through a lot more. i may not know everything, but i know this, you're going to be great! my eyes start to well with tears and it takes every ounce of strength not to let them run down my cheeks. she puts her wrinkled paper like hands on mine. "whether it's this man or the next you will love and be loved because you're not capable of doing anything less. you mark my words honey. i'm never wrong about these things." trying to hold it together i look up at dot's smiling pink lips and smile back. "dot, that's the kindest thing anyone has ever said to me and i will remember it always, thank you!" she patted my hands, smiled and said, "honey, this has been great, but you're starting to distract me from the game." i laugh and get up to leave, as i start walking away dot yells out, "don't forget to thank me in your book!" all i could do was smile. dot was a lot of things to a lot of people. to me for those few short moments she was a friend, a confidant, and above all an old pro!

This is a piece I started working on that's still in it's first drafts. I still haven't quite decided what to do with it, but here goes nothing.

The hour and a half getaway

On any normal day driving down 294 would not be considered a relaxing drive, but the destination can make all the difference. My aunt and Uncle bought a home in Union pier Michigan over nine years ago and for those nine years it’s been my safe haven, my retreat, and my place to go and regroup when life pushes me to the limits. A short hour and a half drive that brought you from the city of Chicago to a whole different world. It’s a world I grew to love immediately. A place that gave me a new respect for the state of Indiana only because it’s what brings you to Michigan and makes the hour drive through the smelliest state in the Midwest completely worthwhile. Once outside the city and suburban limits the highway becomes lined with trees so full and thick it blocks out the rest of the world. Being someone who’s always driven everywhere and has completed 13 hour drives in one day alone I find the drive to be quick yet just long enough to be relaxing. As the “Pure as Michigan” sign breaks over the hill of the highway your body can actually feel the short six miles left in your trip. It was just enough warning to slow down and get ready to relax in what people from the city would consider the country. Exiting at union pier and turning right onto old country road my muscle memory guides me to Locke road in the pitch-black night. I always turn my music off at this point because the combination of the darkness and the silence sends pulses of excitement through my skin. Turning left onto the private dirt road and taking it all the way to the back until I see the glint of light shining off the porch. I’ve already forgotten all of the troubles I’ve left behind me at home. Arriving during the day you’re greeted by birds chirping, sun shining, and trees older then the house itself. Arriving at night you’re greeted by the sounds of crickets, a few bugs, a frog or two, and if you’re lucky a deer. You feel the warmness of the home immediately. You walk in and immediately get a welcoming feeling. In front of you is a wood-burning fireplace, to the left is the master bedroom and bath, upstairs are two more bedrooms and a bathroom, and to your right is the kitchen. A mixture of vintage and antique touches combined with everyday items keeps it from being just one specific theme. I put my bags down and open the sliding glass door off the kitchen to step out onto the screened in porch and take a deep breath. To me there is nothing like the smell of the forest combined with the sound of the train passing by that is just loud enough to put me at ease. A lot of people find the closeness of the train to be unsettling to me it brings a smile. Instead of sleeping late I find myself waking up early to the perfect amount of light that streams through the windows shadowing all the trees on It’s one place I never want to waste time sleeping. After a morning cup of coffee there’s plenty of great restaurant choices. One of my favorites places to go for breakfast is Marilyn's. Marilyn’s restaurant is on red arrow highway and less then 10 minutes from the house, you’ll notice it by the sign with the big red lips smacked over the name. Depending on what the weather is you’ll usually see Marilyn herself sitting in front of the restaurant drinking coffee and chain-smoking what appears to be Virginia slims. Her lips are as red as the sign and she greats you with an exhale and a hello. Inside the décor is simple yet unique. The tables and chairs are all black wood and there’s small bakery section in the back. Lined across the walls like a border are pictures of her customers enjoying the locally grown freshly made food. Which I always thought was a bold and great idea. You see all the happy faces cheeks full or ready to take a bite and you want whatever they’re eating that seems to be making them so happy. After her cigarette Marilyn usually makes her rounds to the tables in the restaurant to say hello and give you a moment to brag about the delicious food. Up close you get a moment for a better look at Marilyn herself. She has a face that appears to have been through a lot whether that be years of possible drug use, a three pack a day smoking habit, or even the possibility of a surgically enhanced change. You can’t help but create your own backstory to Marilyn’s life. Every time I go there I come up with another one. My favorite and I think most attainable is the one where she was a regular at studio 54 and did mountains of blow with Andy Warhol. Which would explain a lot about her now. She would be a VIP guest and never had to pay for her drinks or drugs, which is why there was no need to ever create a limit of any sort. No matter what elaborate tail you create in your head it never outshines Marilyn’s friendly demeanor and hospitality. Last time I was there she asked me about my tattoos and spoke of her daughter who now has five. As I watch her ruby red lips cracked and creased with age and nicotine speak of her daughter all I can think is that she was conceived on a couch in the VIP section on a slow Thursday night
Ten miles down the road from Marilyn’s you are back in Indiana in a city ironically named Michigan City. There you can find everything one could ask for from a horse ranch to a CVS and grocery store, to the outlet mall with the nuclear power plant serenely placed in the background.
“Come shop for name brands with discount prices, just don’t drink the water if you have a fear of possible fishes with three eyes.” About 15 miles west you’ll find tons of galleries, restaurants, and farmland. Six miles to the north is lake Michigan which you’ve never seen look so clean or beautiful and if you close your eyes and listen to the waves rolling into the shore you can trick yourself into thinking it’s the ocean.

The end and the beginning

Sitting in front of a blank white screen, eyes starting to ache from the blinding glow. A million thoughts and ideas running through my head yet not being able to put one into a clear and entertaining compilation of words. This is not the best way to attempt to start writing a book, so.... this will have to do for now. I'm hoping this will relieve some of the pressure and force me to create something I'm ok with people reading. The structure I'm in dire need of while simultaneously breaking the ice with you know.... people. What will surely be an amalgam of random thoughts, stories, and rants. So against my better judgment here's to the end of nothing and hopefully the beginning of something.